Free Agency: Like Slavery, But You Own Yourself!

There are tons of free agents in the big leagues this year, over nine! Baseball players without a contract can "file" until Thursday, November 13, but can only sign with their own team. But on Friday, anything goes, and cheating on your team is totally cool! You can sign anywhere you want, for any money you want! Except Pittsburgh. No one ever signs in Pittsburgh. Stay away from Pittsburgh, black death.

Now if your star player cheats on you, don't worry! You can find a new star by robbing the cradle of a high school varsity team! The teams that lose their best players get compensatory, or "sad", draft picks based on how heartbroken they'll be. Type "A" players merit two sad picks. Type "B" players merit one sad pick. Type "Mark Mulder" players merit exhalations and joy for the village. Lo, there is a hog roasting for all to feast, and the burning of embers to ward off rotator cuff demons!

Let's look at where some of the more interesting free agents are expected to go.

Bobby Abreu: First in your program and tenth in your heart, Abreu has become one of the best players that absolutely no one likes, at all. From his bloated $16 million salary to his incredibly boring .300/.370/.470 stat line to his bizarre, quasi-sexual Venezuelan nickname ("The Candy Eater"), Bobby's done more than enough to earn your enmity and scorn. But what about earning a paycheck? Abreu's probably going to go back to the Yankees, but at a reduced average salary, probably $13 million and only for nine years instead of the normal 12 the Yanks offer outfielders over 30.

Trevor Hoffman: Kansas City, and it won't be pretty. Trevor throws about 81 mph now. He's 41 years old. The Royals play a lot of day games, and the field can heat up to about 120 degrees. Enjoy that August, Trevor!

Pat Burrell: Much like Red Sox 3B Mike Lowell, Burrell is suddenly immensely popular in his old ballpark, and Phillies fans are urging him to stay. Thousands of Philly residents chanted "Bring Back Pat", which almost rhymes, at the championship parade. Even more passionate fans showed their love for Burrell by tipping over cars, vomiting into mailboxes, and sexually assaulting ladycops before being taintzered. Pat the Bat will now undoubtedly resign with the Phillies for $13 million a season, making him immediately overpaid, lazy, and BOOOOOOOOOOO. In other Philadelphia news, Andy Reid just called a timeout in last Sunday's Giants-Eagles tilt. Excitement!

Moises Alou: About to ink a longterm deal with HPV, ensuring neither go away for a long long time.

Francisco Rodriguez: The Angels closer set a major league record for saves this season, and if the Hall of Fame career of Bobby Thigpen is any indication, K-Rod goin' get PAID. Look for the Tigers to offer him four years at $14 million a season, and look for him to be out of baseball by 30, confidence shattered the first day of Spring Training when an enraged Jim Leyland declares "Glasses are for nancies" and slaps Frankie across the face with a lit Pall Mall.

Mark Prior: Going back to USC to give this "business administration" thing a real shot.

Omar Vizquel: He only hit .226 this season, but he's a clubhouse favorite. Young players sit around Vizquel's plastic-covered locker and watch with rapt attention as Omar gently hands out Werther's Originals and crafts stories about the time with two Ken Griffeys, or long ago, when Barry Bonds had a normal sized head just like you and me. During offseason workouts in October, he turns out the lights in the training room, handing out "devil's rings" (actually bat donuts) and telling scary tales of Albert Belle. He's going somewhere in Florida, for a pension and a diner where they serve breakfast all day long, and look at these eggs, dollar fifty eggs!

David Eckstein: Going to South America and joining Captain Planet's team. He will replace Ma-Ti, who signed with the Reds. Terms undisclosed.

Darren Oliver: Oliver's splits as a reliever this season: .197 BA and .549 OPS against at home, and .315 BA and .825 OPS against on road. Naturally, Oliver is signing with the showers, as that's where he feels most comfortable. He was tempted to be the official pitcher of the fifth inning, but desired a longer contract, into the sixth, and was laughed away. Somehow, he is a type "A" free agent. No joke here.

Curt Schilling: Not so much a free agent move, but in a trade, wifeswapping with Todd Palin. Schilling remains John McCain's third favorite baseball player behind Cap Anson and Negro league star "Cool Papa" Bell, whom McCain taught how to bunt.

Brian Fuentes: Almost certainly going to end up a Met, bolstering their bullpen. Wonderful deal. Fuentes has a history of jumping ship at key times, exactly what the Mets need to defend their back-to-back collapse titles. In August 2008, in the middle of a road trip in California, Fuentes left the team and was placed on something called a "bereavement list". What's the matter, Brian? Sad your team was eight games under .500 and you had to face Tim Lincecum? Cry your tears. It's selfish play and being a chickenshit crybaby that will fit in wonderfully in the Met bullpen, especially now that Billy Wagner is dead.

Rocco Baldelli: Donating his body to science. Unfortunately, did not realize he could wait until after death. While attempting to sign new papers, WHO representatives bludgeoned him with a mallet and quickly removed his frontal lobe. Before losing consciousness, Baldelli suddenly was able to understand Joe Morgan's genius.

C.C. Sabathia: Big fat C.C. had a big fat season, playing out the string in Cleveland but then moving to Milwaukee and compiling a 34-0 record, with a negative seven Earned Run Average. Then in October, he turned back into a big fat guy, and his big fat pitches got hit right on their big fat ends by Philly bats in a Game 2 NLDS rout. Now Sabathia wants to head west, and even the Brewers' "Seriously, Every Fucking Brat In The City" deal doesn't look like enough. The Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels are tops on the prospective list. Brian Cashman has proposed a creative deal where, over the course of Sabathia's seven year deal, he would gradually assume dominion over the country of Sweden. "We Yankees are proud to offer CC only the finest women, picturesque scenery, and the most delicious meatballs this Scandinavian stronghold has. We pay tribute to the thousands of Bronx-area construction workers, plumbers, and NYPD who perished in the battle to subdue the Swedes in the name of ring 27." "Go Yankees!" added Stockholm mayor Rudolph Giuliani. The Angels are more coy on their offer, but it apparently has something to do with free nachos and a buddy comedy with Disney using the Rally Monkey as a lawless cowboy. The Dodgers have less financial assets than Hank Steinbrenner or Hank Moreno, but they can offer Sabathia National League baseball, with its crappier lineups and chance for CC to hit and run the bases "like a real big leaguer, honest!" Sabathia is expected to sign, and assume the responsibility of Chavez Ravine ace from the first day of spring training all the way to the final out of September 30.

Adam Dunn: Wherever a maiden shrieks and faints, Adam Dunn is there. Wherever a family can't pay the mortgage, Adam Dunn is there. Wherever Justice needs a leg-up over the walls of chaos, Adam Dunn is there. Wherever a team will pony up $15.75 million for a laughable corner outfield and 175 strikeouts per year, Adam Dunn is there.

Jim Edmonds: Not St. Louis, I'll tell you that!

Manny Ramirez: It's been an interesting offseason for Manny. While Schilling appeared with John McCain in New Hampshire the day before the election, Ramirez was at a Barack Obama rally. Manny wasn't sure what was going on, or how he had ended up in rural Pennsylvania in the first place, but he had a good time. The Dodgers are planning to offer him nearly $26 million dollars per season, though they'd be better served by just bypassing negotiations and handing more orphans to the blood-tipped fangs of Scott Boras. Asked to comment, Boras pensively put forth a "Bleh!" and stalked away. New York Mets GM Omar Minaya is always on the lookout to add players whose names end in Z, so watch out there. (This may backfire for him, as evidenced by the 3 year, $42 million contract Minaya just handed out to a grill-laden, Oakley-wearing and backwards-shorts donning "Jamie Moyerz".) We could be in for a long wait. Manny has expressed on one or more occasion over the past season an interest in playing for the Yankees, Angels, Phillies, Giants, Diamondbacks, Red Sox, Brewers, Mariners, Blue Jays, Rangers, Rockies, Twins, Marlins, Braves, Tigers, Orioles, Cubs, As, Indians, Expos, Rays, Cardinals, Royals, Astros, Padres, White Sox, and Reds. Current sources list him as favoring the Chunichi Dragons, as Ramirez has often stated he'd like to "try the NL once, man."

Any other free agents you're curious about? Well, stop it. The above players are the only good players in baseball.