Sweet Sweet Fantasy

Tonight begins the blessed NFL season, the time of year where most American men and sure why the hell not some women mysteriously find themselves come Sunday unable to answer phone calls, attend to children or yard work, and indeed even serve Jesus Christ who died for your sins, your sins dammit. If you're a fan of, say, the Indianapolis Colts or Dallas Cowboys, you know pretty much what you're in for: 11-14 thoroughly pleasant weekend afternoons replete with nachos, victory cheers, and haughty, fuck-you arrogant phone calls and texts to those less fortunate in where they were born. Conversely, Atlanta Falcons or Oakland Raider rooters may well want to spend their days finding more meaningful and pleasant hobbies, such as cutting or viciously beating the high-schoolers who check receipts at Best Buy.

And as for everyone else, fantasy football makes the day worthwhile.

People living in Denver or Minneapolis or Charlotte face a weekly uncertain challenge, that of pulling for the mediocre. Is it really worth investing 3 hours of a beautiful autumn day to scream and clap and tug on storebought jerseys, all for a random fumble or missed field goal to doom it all into waste? Clearly something else must pass the time. That's where fantasy football comes in. It allows maximum concentration on a minimum amount of players. It often involves a maximum time commitment to ultimately an incredibly minimum gain. It's maximum entertainment for a minimum price. Um...maximum minimum.

If the Saints aren't doing well today, tough luck, it might turn around, but no big loss. But if your team isn't playing well, well, by God, you picked them, and their failures are a reflection of your inability to pay attention. So how can we share these triumphs and decimations with each other when each league is so darn different? Well, it's quite simple. Standardized rules. Here are the new standardized rules for Fantasy Football 2008.

DRAFT: 12 teams, 15 rounds. Everybody's draft position determined randomly. 1st pick in first round is last pick in 2nd round is 1st pick in 3rd round etc. Snakes!

SELECT: 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 RB/WR, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 D, 6 bench slots. Simple enough. If you want to have six kickers on the bench, good for you.

SCORING: For quarterbacks, 1 point for every 30 passing yards, 6 points for each touchdown. -3 points for each interception, -3 points for each fumble. -1 point for each sack, because if you can't get out of the way, shame on you, you man. Bonus 5 points for 300+ yards passing, bonus -5 points for getting injured. Again, shame on you.
For running backs, 1 point for every 10 running yards, 6 points for each touchdown, -4 points for each fumble. Bonus 3 points for 125 yards rushing, 2 points for every positive yardage carry without a helmet.
For wide receivers, 1 point for every 10 receiving yards, 6 points for every touchdown, -3 points for every time someone is afraid to run across the middle. Bonus 3 points for 125 yards receiving, 3 points for every choreographed endzone celebration, -3 points if celebration takes more than 4 seconds to prepare.
For tight ends, 1 point per 5 pounds weight per reception. Tight ends are always underrated. Not anymore.
For kickers, 3 points per field goal. None of this 30+, 40+, 50+ bonus. There's no four point line in football, kids. You get three for a figgie, and one for the extra point. Oh, and -45 for missing one of those. Jerks.
For defenses, if a team allows 1-7 points on the field, that's 10 points for you off it. 7 points 8-14, 3 points 15-20, 0 points 21-27. Team allows 28? You owe 28. Team allows 31? You owe 31. Also, automatic loss of 50 for a shutout. That's meanspirited and has no place in our game.

Also, don't draft Jon Kitna. Jesus is busy enough this year.