Headlines Of History, Unite!

The big story thisa weeka involves two stories, so, lies already.

The first is the whuh, huh, whoaa, ohhh, waaaahhh, huhhh, awwww of Hurricane Gustav, who snootily stormed into the Gulf of Mexico and is on his way back to the mists without
so much as a Spike Lee short. But that has barely overshadowed the waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh of Governor Sarah Palin (AIP - AK) and her gosh darn inspirin can-do pilgrimage to all those fatcats in Waaaashington, dontchaknow. Senator McCain chose her essay above the 22,000 others and has brought her on his ticket, presumably a ticket with "Andrea Doria" written proudly upon it.

Both of these stories have been huge because of their unintended consequences: Gustav pushed thousands of residents out of New Orleans for (apparently) no apparent reason, since the hurricane didn't destroy the world, and Palin's almost impossibly checkered past is causing a wee bit of trouble in John McCain's campaign to not be a nation-wide laughingstock of incompetent planning, research, decision-making, and general unshittiness. Also, she had a baby and now her baby havin a baby and mmhmm it on now girl!

Yet led by the important news outlets of our time, CNN and Fox News (both high-powered by the electric generator connected to the spinning drybones of Ed Murrow), most media outlets choose not to look at the issues on their face value. But why would they? For example in the Gustav story, New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, in conjunction with governor Bobby Jindal and FEMA Administrator R. David Paulson, decided to order a mandatory evacuation on Sunday in anticipation of the Monday morning hurricane strike, thus ordering over 200,000 NOLA residents out of the city and jamming the Louisiana and Mississippi state highways with over 1.9 million people over the weekend and despite the inflated estimate of $10 billion in oil damages the strength of the reinforced levees combined with the weakness and trajectory of the storm's landfall means thousands of families are stranded outside the state waiting for a slow-coming ok to come back into the blah blah blah you stopped reading this a fucking hour ago. That was just the abstract! THE ABSTRACT!

So instead, the next best thing is to look at the news the way the news was meant to be looked...at. We're gonna look at it like sports. Winners and losers, baby.

"McCain Turns Gustav Into an Asset"

"Gustav Could Be Boon To GOP"

"Palin Pioneer, Maverick, and now a Game Changer"

"Did The Media Take Swipes At Sarah Palin?"

The latter being, of course, a special report by the media. These are just an example of the fantastic journalistic activity in the nation right now. And boy oh boy do they pay tribute to the past standards of excellence, following in line with famous headlines of years past:

"Big Fat Gain For Big Fat Taft: Our Vessels Don't Sink And Drown 1,500"

"Japan Attacks Pearl Harbor, Apparent Benefit For Japan War Machine"

"Reagan's State Of Union Buoyed By Emotional Prayer For Lost Challenger; Oh, No One Told You? Yeah, They Exploded"

"LBJ To Stay In Play With JFK's Brains All Astray"

"Royal Family Stands To Lose After Antoinette, Louis Beheadings"

Facts are boring. Scores are not! 1-0, scores!

One Man's Thoughts On Sarah Palin

Mike, you won't fucking believe it!

What the fuck, Doug, it's three in the morning. Don't you knock?

I haven't slept in days, listen man! I had the best fucking idea, the best man, the best, shit.

Shh...shh. I'll get up, stop hitting, oh, ow, stop, alright. Alright, the best idea you said, what is ---- are you bleeding? Do you have a nosebleed?

Yeah, hit the door of my room running into yours.

You're bleeding all over your forehead, Doug! And your forearms...is that glass? Jesus, man.

Long night. So! We need a car to get around the city, right?

I work two blocks away, Mike, remember? Sometimes it's like you don't even know your brother. And speaking of, what is it you are actually doing for money right now?

EXACTLY. A car. So I was thinking for a while and then fucking Sharise, man, Sharise?

What does she have to do with anything? I haven't talked to her in weeks.

Mike, fuck man! This isn't just about you. Anyway, Sharise. She blows that guy at the dealership, right?

Don't say that. She doesn't deserve that. Wait, you mean Keith? Keith Harvin? God.

....

God DAMMIT!

So, I talked to her and she talked to Keith...

YOU WHAT?

And his boss is on vacation, so I'm gonna be riding those Lexuses around for the next eight days. I only have to give Keith, like, 40 bucks, the RX, the GS...that reminds me, remember when were playing Soul Calibur that time?

On the Dreamcast? That was like, Christmas break freshman year...

Yeah and I beat you with Cervantes? You still owe me, like, 30 bucks, so, you know, whenever, anyway I'm gonna drive the Lexus to Kaitlyn's and maybe like Vermont?

Doug. I know you want a car. But this is a terrible, terrible idea. First, you should have told me you were going to talk to Sharise. You've met her, once?

Twice. Three, counting today.

Twice. Just go back to Best Buy, you were making like $17 an hour.

Nah.

Why the hell not?

...you don't...tuesday inventory with...no.

Fine. Fine. You j--fine. Then do something else and save up and lease a Chevy or something. This sounds good today to steal a Lexus off the lot---

Rent.

Yeah, rent, well, it's lease, first of all, and it's stealing. You think it's a good idea, but you're gonna get caught. It's stupid, is what it is. Stupid. Now let me go to bed.

I'll remember this, Mike! You've never believed in me, never trusted me. You want a ride to work, well fuck you, there's your ride, huh?

You shortsighted asshole. Leave me alone. It's 3:08 in the damn morning, and Doug, I work TWO BLOCKS AWAY!

And you're always gonna with that fucking attitude. I wonder if the dealership's open now. Man, a Lexus...

Call Mom for bail this time.

Psh. Keith has all of Monk on DVD. He's smart with that shit.